When You Marry a Doctor...

Disclaimer: I'm a medical student, in my first year of a foreign medical program. I am learning as I go, but these are the things I have been learning. I am thinking these things through and figuring them out for myself, and wanted to invite you to hear what I have found.

            "When you marry a doctor, his patients will always come first."

            That's the advice that has been shared with my bride and me by people "in the know". To be honest, these words have always struck a chord in my heart. Somewhere between nervousness and horror. I know my own tendencies, how I far too quickly become very task-oriented; the vision that arises in my mind is that of me neglecting my bride and children in a never-ending cycle of patients. I also know that when I married Kate, I told her she would always come first. Is my profession turning me into a liar?

            I do appreciate the people who have told us this advice, and I appreciate it because I know they are trying to prepare us for the future. Medical school is hard, and I'm in class from 8-4 every day and studying for several hours every night. It is nothing, however, to the residency years, where I will be working 80 hours a week. They want us to be prepared for the reality that I will be on call some nights, and in situations where I have to leave important family events in order to meet my patients' needs. I'm thankful that they want her, and me, to be aware of what is to come.

            It did, however, get me thinking about semantics. What does it mean, that my patients will come first? Does it mean they will be the most important people in my life? Does it mean I will value my relationship with them and service to them more than I do my relationship with my family and service to my family? Will they replace my faith in my Savior? 

            Obviously, when I told Kate she would always come first, I meant her care would take priority over all my human relationships. I would treasure her friendship, lavish my love upon her, and serve her with zeal greater than I would with any other. Aside from salvation, she is the greatest treasure that has been given to me, and I will view her as such. She comes first not because I have known her the longest, or because I will always spend the most time with her (80 hours a week during residency, remember?), but because she is first in my affections, and my love for her knows no rivals on this earth.

            Practically, however, there will be times when I have to leave her to serve others because of my responsibility as a doctor. That will be hard, but it will be necessary. This does mean, in a lesser temporal way, my patients will come first. But they will not replace my wife. From my perspective, that is the danger of this profession, and why being a doctor is so difficult on families. When you are treating patients, you love it (which you should if you're a doctor), and you're probably good at it. It is easy to focus only on that, to get lost in the patients that are continually ready to be seen, to lose your grasp on what comes first in your life.

            So, it is good for me to hear this advice, and learn how to combat that tendency now, and continue to combat it as my schedule gets busier and busier throughout medical school. I ask for your prayers in this, for I know the weaknesses of my flesh all to well, and I know my inabilities. If I am to succeed, it will be only by the gracious hand of God. There are three things that I have learned through these early years of marriage and this first year of school, mostly through mistakes, by God's grace. 

            1) Tell Kate she comes first. This doesn't mean just with words (although, words are an essential part of communicating any truth). This means with gifts, letters, poems, service and kindness. I need to make it my business to communicate to my wife that she is my priority.

            2) When I am with Kate, I need to be with Kate. Unfortunately, I fall prey far too often to the petty temptations around me. I need to fix this or send that or read this site or send this message. As I do that, I communicate to her and myself that these little things are more important, and I'm trying to find something to do rather than to be with her. If I need to do it, I can find time for it later, but don't let it interrupt my time with my Bride.

            3) Most importantly, this physical truth has a spiritual reality. I know what comes first in my life, and that is the Kingdom of Christ. It is so easy, so subtle that I can let my profession or distractions interrupt or take precedence in my heart. As Calvin said, my heart is an Idol factory, and if I am not seeking first the kingdom of God and Jesus, my righteousness, it will be impossible for me to rightly love my wife or to do my job (or school) in righteousness.

            Thanks for reading my ramblings about what I've learned thus far. I hope it's an encouragement to you and a reminder to pray for me.